Do you ever find that people don't really talk about the things that they struggle with? I have struggled with a variety of different things through my life, and for some reason, there are times when I am too embarassed or proud or whatever, to talk about it. It stinks, we need to be transparent with each other because maybe the things that I'm going through will help someone else. Or maybe the things you've struggled with will help me. I know that's true when I read emails or blogs from people that I respect, and they're talking about their struggles, it strengthens me to know that we all go through things, and that in the end God really is faithful to deliver. Well, I have dealt with anxiety for a long time - and truthfully thought I had been delivered from it. For the past week or so, though, I have lived with an overwhelming sense of fear and dread. In the past its been about death, or finances, and this time its no different. I know being in God's word more will help, and actually ASKING Him for help will help. I have another close friend who struggles with anxiety and we have both talked about how its not something that is really discussed among Christians. At least not in our circles... I wonder why that is. I've talked about it a little when I've been out at other churches singing, and the response is always the same: Wow, I didn't think other people struggled with that. As I lay in bed last night, my mind racing and not being able to sleep I had to confess to God that I didn't want to give this to him. I didn't think he'd be able to help. Here is the cycle that I seem to go through all the time: It usually starts where I'm down in the dumps for some reason, but then I'll have some sort of mountain top experience with the Lord, and I'll be flying high for usually a few weeks. Then that wears off and I'm still following God and stuff, but not in his word as much as I should be. Then something happens, anxiety or depression will rear its ugly head and I'll take a few steps backward spiritually. I'll stop reading my bible all together. I'll stop praying. I'll start doing things that I know are wrong, that I know I'm just doing to be flat out rebellious, and then I wonder why God doesn't seem real, doesn't seem close. I don't want to go through that anymore. I'm tired of the weeks of mountain top experience followed by months of rebellion and depression. So, as I forced myself to read my bible last night, I read this scripture on spiritual maturity:
Hebrews 5:11-14 "We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil."
God really impressed this on my heart last night, and even now as I read it again. I've been a Christian for many years, over half my life now; I ought to be much further along than I am. I ought to be off the spiritual bottle and on to spiritual steak. I ought to be a leader and not a follower. I ought to be one who encourages and ministers to others, rather than the one always in need of encouragement. I ought to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my strength, rather than love and serve him only when it suits me.
Okay, so I know this started out about anxiety...and I digressed a bit - forgive me. :) I believe that even when I'm faithless God remains faithful. I know this anxiety and depression will pass, and I'll probably have other mountian top experiences and other deep valley lows....I'm praying for the ability to deal with situations in a mature way, rather than the current way I deal with them. So, if you think about me, lift up a prayer for maturity, because if I can be spiritaully mature, than the other things will fall into place.
