Leaving on a jet plane..and other thoughts

All my bags are packed....I'm ready to go....I'm standing here outside your door..... Oh, sorry. I like that song - except right now all I can picture is Ben Affleck singing it to Liv Tyler in Armageddon. Whatever. Anyway, yep, I'm getting closer to leaving Michigan. I am leaving on September 25th, and I truly cannot wait!

I was emailing Dara earlier this week, and in the midst of emailing her I came to a realization...I don't trust God like I thought I did. I'm turning 30 in December. Thats going to be pretty hard for me. It seems like just yesterday I was turning 21, now I'll no longer be in my 20's. I've recently been dealing with thoughts about how fragile life is. I wonder, sometimes, why God didn't just create us in heaven to begin with. It seems like that would have cut down on a lot of stress in life, huh? Anyway, heres what it boils down to for me...if I really trusted God with situations and with my whole life, then I wouldn't be worried about the things in life that have me worried right now. Things like getting sick, dying, other people dying...crazy stuff like that. I know, I know God is in control, and I believe that. I really do. But you know how we give something up to God, lets say a fear about dying. Okay, God I give that to you. Then someone in my sphere of influence passes away, and I take the fear back from Him. Why? Because He can't handle it? Because He doesn't know what to do with it? No, He can handle it, and knows what to do with it better than I do... I think, for me anyway, its almost easier to hold on to that fear in the hopes that maybe I can do something that will eliminate that fear from my life, rather than to give it to God and hope for the best. Besides, if I give it to God and let him deal with it, then I have lost control of that thing. And besides, holding on to that fear doesn't hurt anything, right? Well, I think it does hurt. If I'm holding on to this fear, or this sin, or whatever it is I'm holding on to, then I'm not trusting that God can handle it. I'm essentially saying, "God, I don't think you can handle this, so I'll take care of it." Who am I to say that to GOD? I'm tired of trying to handle things on my own. I'm tired of taking control of things that I don't really have control over anyway. I'm just tired. Its too hard to fight with God, you know? I may as well let him have those things and stop trying so hard to keep control of them because, 1. I don't REALLY have control over them anyway, and 2. he knows better what to do with them than I do. I'll let you know how it all works out... Stay TUNED!!!