This is home

I visited Colorado Springs back in May. I had been looking forward to it for weeks. I had to be at the airport very early...I left my house at 3:30 am to get there (and I still almost missed the plane...) Not only would I be seeing some old friends from the Springs, but Yatron and Pastor Weatherly were going to be there and I hadn't seen them since they left Detroit last August.

If you know me at all, you know I'm barely functioning in the morning. Don't like the mornings, never will. So this particular morning I'm driving to the airport and turn on the radio (to keep me awake) and the song that comes on is called, This is Home, by Switchfoot. If I hadn't been running late I would have pulled over, cause that song hit me that morning.

I've been in AZ for about 10 months, now. Since I've been in here, I've thought about the good 'ol days. Whether its back in college in Alamosa, Colorado and hanging out with friends from church and school there. Or being in Colorado Springs and hanging out with everyone from Compassion and church there. I've even thought back to Detroit and how, even though it didn't end up well for me in Detroit, I still had a family of believers that I could call if I needed to. I think that is why I was so excited to go to Colorado Springs, that weekend. I wanted to get back to the good 'ol days. I hadn't heard this song before that morning. Maybe it wouldn't have affected me so strongly if I had. I realized that I can't go back to how it was. People change, they move, they grow up, they grow apart. Lives go on, cities change, plans change. Maybe I haven't settled in here yet, but thats mostly my fault. I've gotten shy in my old age (some of you can't believe it - others can...). Blah, blah, blah, anyway, all that is to say that I know that God brought me to Arizona. He directed me to my church and gave me a job. He's asking me to lean on him for everything, right now. I'm going to do it, too... Really, I am. I have no other choice. I know he loves me, and I know he has only the best in store for me. I am not going to dwell on the past, and wish things were like they used to be. The truth is when I left Alamosa, Colorado Springs, and Detroit - I was SO READY to leave. I wasn't happy there. Each new place I go I think, "Man, things were so good in Alamosa..." I'm SUCH an Israelite in that sense. I would rather go back into slavery then spend time, free, in the wilderness. Okay, I blah blah'ed like 5 sentences ago, and I'm still talking. I'm done. Here are the lyrics to the song. If you haven't heard it yet, listen to it.

This is Home - Switchfoot
I’ve got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can’t go back
Back to how it was

I believe now
I’ve come too far
No I can’t go back
Back to how it was

Created for a place I’ve never known
This is home
Now I’m finally Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching
For a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I’ve seen the enemy
And I won’t go back
Back to how it was

And I got my heart Set on What happens next
I got my eyes wide It’s not over yet
We are miracles And we’re not alone

Yeah This is home
Now I’m finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home

I’ve been searching
For a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

And now after all My searching
After all my questions I’m gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I’m gonna call it home
Home

Arizona.....

The time is now 5:49 in the morning. The temperature outside is 92 degrees...at 5:49 in the morning...

What else is there to say?

Letting it Go

I have a talented dog. You might remember a post several months ago where she is showing off a new trick (click here to see it). Anyway, in this video is my dog and her ball. She wants me to throw her the ball, but she won't give it to me... well, you'll see...

This is my dog Babe. She is pretty annoying most of the time - but we still love her. She is never far from one of her tennis balls, and someone is always throwing it for her. Her big thing is that she wants you to take the ball from her. You can't just have a nice game of fetch with Babe, you have to wrestle that ball from her, and she will not let it go until SHE is ready for you to have it. In the video, when I pretended like I didn't want the ball, she put it down. The instant I went to get it, though she picked it right back up and wouldn't let me have it. And so we play this game over, and over, and over AND OVER each and every night!!! Sigh......I do love that dog, though...

I was thinking about that today and thought, man, that is SO how I am with God. There are things in my life that I have asked, begged, pleaded, bargained and prayed for God to take out of my life - and He hasn't. I've told myself I don't know why He hasn't taken these things from me, but I DO. I know why. I'm not giving it to Him. I want to give it to Him. Right now, at this very moment, typing this I want Him to have every part of my life. But later, maybe tomorrow...maybe the next day I'm going to want to take those areas of my life back from Him. Like Babe with the ball, I want Him to take it from me. I'm saying, "Here God, I want you to have this part of me that I've never given you before," and then when He goes to take it, I won't let go. I hold on to that thing like that ball of Babe's. God doesn't want to wrestle things out of our lives. He wants us to give it up freely to Him. He wants us to WANT to give it to Him, and then leave it with Him.

The sin in our lives is just that: sin IN our lives. I am a child of GOD who has sin IN her life. (bear with me, but I'm about to use ANOTHER analogy...) Okay, lets say you have a bowl of Potato Cheese soup (the best soup out there, if I may say so myself). Now, lets say I put some pepper in that soup - does it then become Pepper Potato Cheese soup? No, its just Potato Cheese soup with some pepper IN it. Or what if something weird happened....like a bug flew into the soup. Is it now Potato and Bug Cheese soup? Eewwww, but no, its soup with a bug in it. I know it sounds sort of dumb, but that is how we (or at least I) view myself in Christ. I am not a Sinning Child of God. I am a child of God who has sin IN her life. If I never conquer the sin in my life - I will STILL be a Child of God. Nothing will change that. What I do is not who I am. I have to remember that. I HAVE to remember that. I cannot live the life God has intended for me to live with the thought in the back of my mind that I am not good enough to live it. If not for God's grace, His mercy, His unfailing love for us - where would any of us be?