Be Careful what you ask for...

Its a dangerous thing - asking God to rend your heart.

Because He will.

And the result of that prayer is a rended heart. A broken heart.

This past week God has really emphasized in my life my total, complete and absolute need for dependence on Him. In the past, when I would struggle with anxiety or sin or whatever - my first thought would be, "Okay, I need to get someone on the phone or text someone and ask them to pray for me." Now, there is nothing wrong with asking people to pray for us when we are struggling, the bible calls us to bear one anothers burdens, however, I was turning to people for help first, and not to God.

I just returned from a trip of a lifetime to Hawaii (which, there are photos of on Facebook...) It was an amazing trip! Since coming home, I've struggled with heightened emotions and being overly sensitive. Not sure why, other than I asked God to break my heart.

And He answered.

And I am turning to Him each morning for strength to make it through my day. And he is giving me all the strength I need.

Romans 5:3-5 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

This verse always made sense to me before - but know I "get" it. No one likes suffering. However, I know me. I am sorry to say that I do not fully rely on God when things are going great. When everything is going perfect, I tend to forget about Him. Not something I'm proud of. So when there is a struggle, as minor as it may be - anxiety, worry, doubt, some sin struggle - those are the things that are keeping me on my knees. And though at times it sucks, I'm so grateful for the struggle. I'm actually rejoicing in my sufferings because its keeping me face to face with God. And now that I'm here - face to face with God - there is no limit to what He can do in my life. He can take this broken, rended heart and mold it into what he had planned all along.

Amazing, huh?

Okay - so church update:
Not sure if I mentioned this before, but the name of the church has been finalized - we are now officially Portico Church!!
You can take a look at the website here: http://www.porticochurch.info
We have found a building in the Hollywood district of Portland, and will begin monthly services on August 15th. The official launch of the church will be September 19th. Thats 10 weeks away!!

So I would like to ask you all to pray for some things for the church:
1. Finances - In order to start this church - we are going to need funds. I know God can do anything!
2. Leadership/Directional Team - Please pray for the leaders of this church who have to make decisions and hear from God about direction.
3. Mark and Tracy Seger - Please pray for them as they lead this group. Please pray that God provide financially for them as they devote their lives to this call.
4. City of Portland - Please pray for the city of Portland. Just know God picked this place for a reason.

Thank you for reading and praying and following me and my rantings. Love you all!

Surrender

Good morning.

I woke up early today and couldn't go back to sleep, so I thought I'd try writing what I think God has been trying to say the last few days.

Should be interesting, seeing as I'm a bit tired...

I love this journey that I am on. Its frustrating at times. There are times when I wish I would just know what it is God wants me to know so I can move on from here. But the mere fact that I am desiring and longing for more from Him is encouraging to me. Makes me feel like He isn't satisfied with where I'm at either, and that He is still working on me. That is amazing.

This past week I've been seeking as to how to have a broken heart before God. Or even to just be broken. I didn't know how to do that. And I still don't, to be quite honest. But I'm starting to think that maybe its not a matter of ME becoming broken. Maybe it is a matter of me surrendering my heart to him and letting him do the work on it. I do feel like I've given everything over to him, but I know there are parts of my life that I take back when things get hard or when things look uncertain. So maybe this process of rending my heart is more about surRENDering my heart. It may be something I have to do several times a day at first. Maybe even several times an hour.

But I have to do it.

I have to be able to be effective for Him.

I may be the only representation of God some people will ever see. I will be their only experience with Him. For their sake, I can't afford to miss it.

I do love this journey. Frustrating and discouraging as it may be at times, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt WHY I'm going through it. God isn't going to let me settle for the kind of relationship I've always had with him.

He wants more.

So do I.

Being Rended...

I'm still in the process. The rending process, that is.

Its not as fun as I had originally hoped.

Of course when you think of the word "rend" (being torn apart) I don't know why I would have thought it would be fun in the first place.

So, for the first few days since God dropped this phrase on me, I didn't know what to do. I knew God wanted my heart broken, but how do you do that?

I began to pray, Lord, break my heart. Or if I have to do it, show me how.

Its not that I don't want to be broken, I just don't know how.

So He has really shown me some things over the last few days. Some things I really need to work on.

1. Pride. That was a hard pill to swallow (why do you think that is....pride, perhaps?) ha! Pride comes in different forms. I tend to think of pride as thinking of yourself as better than someone else, or something like that. But it doesn't have to be that. It could be being 'shy' and not wanting to socialize with people for whatever reason. Wondering if people like me. Caring if they like me. When it all boils down, its pride, and I need to work on it.

2. Judging. I heard this at church yesterday. Honestly didn't think it applied to me, because I'm really not judgmental. Or so I thought. The pastor starting going through his checklist of what makes you judgmental. I think I could put a check mark beside each thing he mentioned. I don't remember them all, but one of them was finding faults in people. Little tiny microscopic faults. I don't do it all the time - but I still do sometimes. It needs to stop.

I had a #3 yesterday - but for the life of me I can't remember what it is today. I guess God figures I have enough to work on for right now.

So instead of being prideful, I want to be selfless. I want to open myself up to people and not worry about what might happen. I want to give of myself without any thought of what I might get in return. I want to know that I have pure and clean motives. I want to be an encouragement to others, and not judge them. I want people to see God instead of me. I want to see people the way God sees them, and love them like he does. If I can't do that, then I'm no good to him. Luckily, I'm still breathing, so there is still time to get this right. And I believe Gods word when it says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

He's not finished with me quite yet.

Thank God!

Rend my Heart

So this past month has been a bit of a blur...

Work is still going well. They had a contest last week to see who could collect the most money, and I actually came in 2nd place! I couldn't believe it!

I also moved into my apartment. Its in an attic of an old house near downtown Portland. Its not much but its perfect for me. I'm just about completely settled in.


We had our second Portico Church launch team service this weekend, and it was great. I absolutley love Portland. I love my church family. I am so thankful that God is allowing me to be a part of what He is doing here. Sometimes I look at my life and I think - How did I get to be so lucky to be here doing what I'm doing with who I'm doing it with... Its amazing to me.

Anyway...I digress...

So, I've started playing the electric guitar. I'm not real good at it yet, but I like it, and want to learn more. Certainly have a lot to learn!

As for me, I'm doing good. I am at a place in my life where I know there is more to my relationship with God. I know I can have a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. But I can't figure out how to get there. I know its a process, so I'm not going to get discouraged, I'm actually sort of excited to see what God does. I don't want to let another Easter or Christmas go by and not be changed by what Jesus did. I don't want to just say, "Oh how nice, Jesus died for me so that I might live." I should be knocking down the doors of my neighbors telling them about what Jesus did. I should be moved to tears by his death on the cross. I am grateful for what he did, don't get me wrong - I just know that there is more that He wants from me. I don't want to disappoint Him.

For the last couple days I've been thinking about all of this and this phrase keeps coming up in my mind, "Rend your heart." To be honest with you - until I looked it up today, I didn't really know what the word 'rend' meant. Ha!

Rend:
1. to split apart or to tear into pieces violently
2. to tear (ones garment or hair) in aguish or rage
3. to harrow or distress (the heart) with painful feelings
4. to become torm or split

Okay..... so God. You want me to tear my heart into pieces violently. Ha ha ha. Okay, I don't think thats what He means. I'm not super clear what he does mean, though. But I am searching. And in my searching I found this verse:

Joel 2:12, 13 "Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity"

Rend your heart and not your garments. In bible times, people would tear their garments as a physical expression of grief or anguish. I think God is saying, He doesn't want a physical expression of my grief but an ACTUAL expression of it. I want my heart to be broken about what he's done. I need my heart to break for those who don't yet know. I need to be burdened and broked. I need to want intimacy with God more than anything else in my life. I need to rend my heart.

So, there it is. I'm in the rending process, I suppose. I am excited. I know that God is taking me through this journey so that I will be closer to Him. I can't wait to get there!!

Trusting

Trust. Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to trust God – who is really the only one we can fully put our trust in? Ever since I’ve started this adventure in moving to Portland God has done nothing but prove to me that he is faithful and trustworthy. So now, when I have a million thoughts going through my thick head, I still wonder if He will really take care of me. I trust Him to a point where its comfortable, but beyond that, my faith begins to waver.

Now, I’m not complaining or whining. Truly. I know in my head that God will take care of me no matter what the circumstances. I just need to move that knowledge from my head to my heart. A friend texted me last week (and it was very timely...) She said, "Faith not Fear." That has been my motto for the last few weeks. I want to trust God. I want all he has for me. I want him to be able to use me in the way that he wants to. I want to truly surrender my life to Him without taking it back when things don't look the way I want them to.

Okay, now that I have that off my mind…

Things here are going really well. I have a job, I work in a call center as a customer service rep. Not my dream job, but it pays the bills. I just found and moved into an apartment. I will upload some pictures soon. This apartment was one of the first ones I found online when I moved here, and I didn’t think it could still be available now. It was. So exciting. Will be great to have a space that is my own. Not that I’m not extremely grateful for the people who have let me stay with them since getting here (Mark and Tracy, and Kelli). It just feels like everything is coming together.

A few weeks ago we went to Seattle to visit a church launch service there. It was a fun trip, and I think we learned a lot about what we want to do at our own launch. We were able to visit the fish market and the first Starbucks. Was pretty fun.

We also had our first launch team service on March 6^th. It was great. We had worship and teaching. Can’t wait till the next one! I've started playing the electric guitar. What can I say - I love it! A lot of fun. A bit different from the acoustic, but a fun challenge.

I guess thats about it. Hope everyone is well - leave a comment - let me know you were here. :) Thanks!

6.5 weeks

I left Phoenix 6.5 weeks ago.

In some ways it doesn't seem like that long ago. In other ways it seems like I've been here much longer.

Here's a rundown on whats going on:

1. I got a JOB! I started working last week at Genesis Financial. I am a customer service representative. I started last Tuesday and I think it my actually be a good fit for me. I'm pretty excited to actually be working - I got a job in less than a month. As a matter of fact - as of last week - every person who had come to Portland and was looking for a job has found one. In this economy - that is truly a miracle.

2. Mark and the team have decided the area of Portland we will be planting in: the Hollywood district. I was driving through that area a few days ago, and really felt like it was a place where God wants to work. Its really awesome and exciting to see what He is doing and very humbling to think that we can be a part of it.

3. We are meeting every Thursday evening to pray and just spend time with each other. That is one of my favorite times during the week. One of my other favorite times during the week is worship rehearsal. I absolutely love it. I'm actually learning to play the electric guitar.... or trying to learn to play.

As far as prayers go:

* Please pray for housing for me. I need to find a really cheap, really close apartment. I don't want to live far from everyone, but the housing in this area is out of my price range. Please also pray for a roommate if that is the best thing for me.

* I would ask for continued prayers for Mark and Tracy. Please pray for continued wisdom and guidance for them. They have a lot of things they have to do in order to get the church going, and most of it is stuff that no one else can help them with.

* Please pray for finances and a church building. We really need a place to meet and the finances to meet there.

I want to thank everyone for your continued prayers. I have really felt them. This whole transition thing has not been the easiest for me - but this week I finally am starting to feel like myself again. The only way its possible is just my complete reliance on God. He has to be my everything. He is - I just have to know that he is. :)

Miss you all - love you so much!!

Updated my Portland Blog...

Hey all - I've updated my Portland Blog -
http://destinationhamilton.blogspot.com

I believe, but.....

From my other blog: http://destinationhamilton.blogspot.com

Remember that story about the man who came to Jesus to ask Him to heal his son?
The son had been possessed by an evil spirit that was tormenting him day and night, and his father had come to Jesus for help.
The father said to Jesus, "If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
Jesus responded, "'If you can'? Anything is possible for him who believes."
Immediately the boys father said, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

I have to say that I've always sort of smiled at this story. The father of the young boy proclaims to Jesus, "I do believe!" and in the very same breath says, "Help me in my unbelief!" How can you believe, yet still struggle with unbelief? In the last few weeks I have come to completely understand what this father meant.

I leave for Portland in 18 days (17 days now...). Just over 2 weeks. I believe with all my heart that God has called me to this ministry and that he will provide for me (he has already done miracles for me financially!) - and yet there is still unbelief in my heart. I'm nervous. Sometimes I'm scared. I know that God has promised to never leave us nor forsake us. That he has promised to provide for our every need. That we cannot be taken from His hand. I believe that the Word of God is true. Yet every now and again, I struggle with thinking, "Lord, I know what your word says, but is it for me? Is that promise for me?" I can very easily believe that God will provide for other members of this team. I've seen him work miraculously in the Seger's lives and in others lives. But when it comes to believing those promises for myself - thats where the unbelief starts to set in.

I know what that father meant. I have prayed his prayer over and over again these last few weeks, "Lord, I believe you when you said you will take care of each of my needs. Please help me overcome my unbelief." Or, "God, I know that you will not leave me or forsake me, help my unbelief." And can I just say - he does. Every single time. He helps me over come the unbelief. It comes back, and I ask again, and he helps me again.

Thats why He's so cool. God rocks!

Prayer Requests:
Please pray for the members of the team going to Portland.
It seems that January is the month when most everyone will be traveling to Oregon.
Please pray for safetly on the roads, for good weather and that God will work out all the plans.
Pray for me and Tracy as we leave out on January 8th. Tracy will be flying in and driving back with me.
Pray for a job for each member of the team.

Thank you so much!

Destination Portland

I have another blog.

I've not shared it with many people...till now.

http://destinationhamilton.blogspot.com/

Its documenting my upcoming move to Portland, Oregon.

Yep. I'm moving to Portland in January! Going to be helping with a church plant!

Very exciting. And awesome. And gut wrenching. And amazing. All at once.

I do encourage you to visit the other blog, will tell you lots more about the upcoming move, the people I'm going with, and most importantly, prayer requests. Please keep me and the others in prayer. God has already shown us favor and provision, and we are all very excited to see what He will do in the coming months!

Experiments

I like science. I'm kind of a dork in that aspect. I went to Space Camp when I was in 7th grade. I was no stranger to nerdiness. So it should come as no suprise that I sometimes experiment - using myself as a test subject.

Last night I'm in my room - its completely pitch dark and I'm not falling asleep. As I'm laying there, I'm thinking - I'll bet my pupils are extremely dialated right now because of the dark. In order to test my hypothesis, I grabbed my phone, and shot a photo.

See for yourself:

Yep, my hypothesis was correct...