So...whats the point of life, anyway?

Some of you may remember the song I posted on this blog a few weeks ago. I wrote that song about a girl who I worked with here at the bank who was diagnosed with cancer. We learned last week that she passed away on July 15. Experiencing someone dying, especially someone so young (29 years old) like my co-worker, or someone so close like my uncle really makes you stop and think about the things that are important in life, and how short life really is. The bible says life is a vapor....a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. It makes you wonder, what is the point, or the purpose of life? You know? I've lately been thinking about things like this; life and its purpose and meaning. Wondering whats the point of it all. I'm here to tell you that if you think about this long enough, and with the wrong mindset, you can get very down and depressed. I did. So in my despair I asked God to lead me to a place in the bible to read. Distinctly I heard Ecclesiates....okay, never read that. Now, this is where sometimes I think God does have a sense of humor. So, here I am lamenting about life, struggling with what to do, crying out to God for the answer......do you know what the phrase in Ecclesiates says?

The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:
"Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

Aaah, God sure knows what to tell a struggling girl, huh? Ha ha ha! I'm not kidding, I read the first few chapters of this book, and actually looked toward the sky asking God, "Is this supposed to be helping me, or what?!" (It did, eventually...) Now, I've not finished the whole book yet, but its all talking about how nothing we do in this life matters. We spend so much time working, only to die and let someone else enjoy the fruit of our labor. Solomon wrote this book, and he talks about how he built great buildings and amassed great wealth, but he knows that in the end he is going to die and that none of his accomplishments or riches will follow him to heaven. So then, what is the point? What is the purpose of life? Well, I don't know............. But what I do know is this: if all the things we work for in this world fade away why should we work so hard for them. Instead, what we should really be working for is the one thing that won't fade away, that won't ever change or leave us or forsake us. I John 2:17 says, "The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." It doesn't matter how much (or how little) money I make, or how many things I accumulate or how powerful I become, because all that will pass away when I do. All I can do is do the will of God. Besides, I figure, if I'm going to be with Him for eternity, I better do what HE wants.....or I may never hear the end of it.......LITERALLY! :)

Blah, blah, blah...

And now its time for another update that can only be considered an update in the most general of terms as, technically, there is no ‘up’ to ‘date.’ Ha ha ha, I know…that makes no sense, but it was fun to write anyway. What I meant is that there isn’t much going on here. I started going through my things this weekend. I’m not driving to Phoenix when I go; I’m shipping my car and flying out there. This means I can’t load my car up with my stuff, and so I have to ship everything out there. This also means, I’m getting rid of most everything I own because I don’t really want to mail it all. So, as I’m going through my stuff I begin to find stuff that I’ve held on to for several moves now, and I think – I’ve not used this in two or three years….I’m getting rid of it. Okay, that’s hard for me guys! Like I had a whole box of stationary that I’ve had for a really long time, probably like 5 years or so….have any of you ever received a card or letter from me? NO!! So, that’s going. My electric guitar (that I really don’t even know how to play…) and my amp are going. Hopefully I can sell those. My bed, dishes, futon, table, chairs, my beloved Tupperware furniture...all going. I hope to have a garage sale, or find someone who really needs it and I can give it to them. Anyway, that was my Saturday. Sunday I drove around looking for boxes in dumpsters around where I live. I didn’t find any. I didn’t look hard, though, so that could be a reason. So, with no boxes to put it in, I have piles of this crap lying around my house. And if that weren’t enough, my mom called on Saturday and said, “Its 102 degrees here today, but its not that bad, and you can go sit in the pool and cool off and…..blah, blah blah.” I said, “Mom, I’m already moving out there, okay? You don’t have to lie to me anymore about how the heat isn’t that bad, because I already know its going to be miserable…” She laughed and said, “Yeah, its pretty miserable…” Great, I think I'd rather her go back to lying...

Sorry Nichole...

Yes, I am about to plagarize... I have been talking a lot about how we as Christians don't talk about the things that we struggle with, while we're in the midst of the struggle. I was on Nichole Nordeman's website today, reading through some of the awesome stuff she has out there (click here to check it out) and I came across this. This is the inspiration behind the song called "We Build."

Christians are an odd group.

We model our lives after this total revolutionary, a rebel who
turned the whole system of religion on its ear. We follow the teachings of this
man who pulled people out of the closets where they hid, and singled out the
most broken and unlovely, the lowest of the low, to make a point. God loves
every last corner of your dark and terrified heart. We write books about coming
clean before God. We write songs about not pretending anymore. We use words like
intimate and vulnerable to describe the way we should interact with one another.

And then. We hide. We go home and shut the door and hide the
worst of it from God and each other. Have you ever noticed that nobody stands up
in church and says, “I have bulimia. I can’t stop. I don’t know how.”

Have you ever noticed that nobody looks across the table from
you at lunch and says, “I have a real problem with internet porn,” or “
Lately, I can’t stop lying. I lie about everything.” But you will hear about
all that later. You’ll hear it about each of those stories and more on the
other side of deliverance. It’s okay to stand up and say, “I used to have a
problem with bulimia/internet porn/lying, but God has freed me from that
bondage and I’m here to testify about it.” And then everybody has a big
Hallelujah moment and claps for you.

Not too long ago, my husband and I hit a really rough patch in
our marriage. Not the “go to bed not speaking” kind of rough patch, but more of
an “I don’t know if we’re going to get through this” kind of crisis. It had been
building for some time, and the issues were deep and painful for both of us. I
sat down to write a song about us, and what love requires. I wanted to write
about staying (because neither of us felt like it)…and building something
(because we both were systematically tearing it down). I wanted to remind myself
that I made promises that weren’t attached to emotion (because neither of us
“felt” anymore). I wanted to tell the truth about the situation as it was, not
after it was better.

If I had waited, I probably would have written a far more
beautiful song. It would be an inspirational song, probably with a bunch of
imagery about how our love, with God’s help, can weather any storm, blah, blah.
Maybe people would have sung it at weddings, I don’t know. But it felt better
not to hide this time. It felt better to come clean to our friends during the
crisis, and not after. It felt better not to wait until we could give a
testimony about it, until God had saved the day (Which He did). Marriage is
hard. It is also a total joyride. But it’s hard. Errol and I have both said that
we wished somebody had prepared us a bit more. They probably tried, and we were
too busy picking out dishes. Maybe this song is a step in that direction. Any
roof worth living under is gonna take some work to build.

www.NicholeNordeman.com

Who would have thunk it?

Its hard to think that this time three years ago, just 36 measly, short months ago, I was living in Colorado Springs, attending Higher Praise and Worship Church and not really thinking too much about the future, or what God had in store for me. I was growing in the Lord, and learning more and more about him each day. I was being stretched in my worship of Him, in my thought process about Him and in my relationship with Him. Things were good. Then, I remember two years ago I was in the emotional thralls of preparing to move across the country to start a church. I had one emotional breakdown after another from wondering what God was doing in my life, to wondering whether God was even real. I had real bouts of anxiety and depression all wrapped up with actually being excited about moving to Detroit. I said goodbye to some of the best friends anyone could have and set off on the adventure of a lifetime. Life was exciting. Last year I was getting settled into Detroit. I had just finished one of the hardest years of my life trying to get adjusted to being away from family, not having very many friends and trying figure out what it was God was calling me to do. We had decided to help an existing church in Detroit as opposed to starting a church of our own. I was playing guitar in the church, being stretched in my playing and actually getting to be able to play by ear. I was learning that its okay to lift my hands in worship to God. For me, the church stuff was going pretty good, but I was still wondering why God had brought me all this way. This brings me to today. Its hard to try to cram three years of life into a few sentences, but I only metioned all that to say this: God is unpredictable. Just when you think you have things figured out he does something to bring you out of your comfort zone. He brings you to a place where you have no one else to trust but Him. On March 30 my Uncle Bob died suddenly of a massive heart attack while on vacation in Hawaii. I went to the funeral in Arizona, and for the first time I didn't really want to come back to Detroit. I wasn't ready. On previous trips to Phoenix, I've been READY to get back here, but this time I wasn't. I didn't know it yet, but God was moving. When everything happened with the church here, I really started to question what I was supposed to do. I started feeling like maybe it's time to leave Michigan and go back to Colorado. Actually, thats what I was hoping for, but that wasn't the case. It felt like God was leading me to move to Phoenix... Arizona..... Hot and ugly. What?? No, God couldn't possibly be moving me in that direction because that is NOT what I want to do. And isn't there a verse that says God will give you the desires of your heart? (Yes, Psalm 37:4) So, I held on to that verse thinking.....knowing......PRAYING that God will not make me do what I don't want to do. Thats when God gave me the desire of my heart: but instead of letting me stay in Michigan which is what the desire of my heart had been, he changed the desire in my heart. He GAVE me the desire of my heart! He changed my heart from wanting to stay in Michigan to wanting to move to Phoenix. Trust me when I say, ONLY God could do that!! Phoenix is hot (my Mom said it was 116 there this week), dry, sandy, ugly, big, far and I want to go there. So, it looks like sometime at the end of the year I'll be heading out on a new adventure......another adventure.....or perhaps a continuation of the adventure I'm currently on. Whatever the adventure is: I definitely know these three things: 1. That God is truly leading and guiding me in this decision. 2. That He will go with me wherever I go and 3. No matter what anyone says: I'm going to freaking MELT!!!

Weird Dreams....

Okay, so I've had some strange dreams here the last few days. The latest one, though I think I'm going to try to interperet on my own, see if you agree. So, in my dream, I'm in some big auditorium, and some sort of service or program was about to start (maybe like church or something), and I was supposed to be playing the guitar. I'm talking to people before the show and now its almost time to start. Well, I'm ready, the people in the program are ready, but I can't find my guitar anywhere. Everywhere I look I find guitars, but they're not my guitar. Now, I know that doesn't seem like a very long dream....but I was looking for my guitar for a long time, okay? :) Anyway, so now I wonder what the dream means. I don't think every dream has to mean something....but I think this one does. I've recently been trying to figure out a lot of things in my life. My purpose and my calling and stuff like that. I've always thought, well, I play guitar in my church, so thats my calling. But now, being without a church I don't have that anymore. I've also recently thought about really getting going and maybe recording a CD of my music. So in the dream maybe I'm searching for my calling, my music and its elusive. Or, maybe I'm searching for my calling and I THINK its music, but its really not, and thats why I couldn't find my guitar. And what is the deal with all the different guitars and banjos and stuff that wasn't MY guitar? Hmm, maybe I just shouldn't eat sugar right before bedtime...then I'll stop having weird dreams like this all together.

I'm a Copycat

Okay, so a few of my fellow bloggers are posting 8 random things about themselves, and that sounded like fun so I'm going to copy them.

1. I am considered by some to be one of the funniest people they know, and by others to be the most annoying person they know.

2. I used to have these loud and obnoxious hiccups, but since I moved to Michigan, they've disappeared (now Elaina has them!). ha ha ha ha!!!

3. I have a close friend living in Ghana, West Africa (okay, so thats not technically about me, but I have to take what I can get, okay!?)

4. I got my first gray hair at age 16, and when my hair coloring fades out, I'm probably about 40-50% gray headed.

5. My favorite shampoo is Biolage color care. I only use it about 3 months out of the year, from January to about March...I only get it for Christmas and am too cheap to buy it for myself.

6. I have this......thing for Diet Dr. Pepper. Some would call it an obsession, I would call it.....well, yeah, obsession works...

7. I taught myself many things, crochet, playing guitar, web design....

8. I love my friends... awww

And now for something completely different...

Sometimes I wonder why things happen the way they do. As you know, I moved to Michigan almost two years ago with lofty hopes to start a church. Those plans changed soon after we got here and we hooked up with the church we’ve been with since we’ve been here. Well, amazingly enough, our plans have changed yet again. We (Pastor Weatherly, Yatron and I) have decided to part ways with the church we’ve been attending and ministering in for two years, and seek the Lord about what he’d have us do now. Unfortunately, this separation has not happened in a good way, and feelings have been hurt. I would ask, if you think of it, to pray for the members of this church. They’re the ones sort of caught in the middle of everything. Forgive me for not going into details about everything that happened, but just know that we know its time to move on. So pray for us, for our next steps and what we’re supposed to do. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought that we might actually start a church here now. Sometimes I think, why did God send me here to begin with? There are so many people who could be more effective, a better witness, more faithful….the list goes on and on. I think of how many people must NOT have answered the call for God to have to end up choosing me to go. And then I am reminded, while I’m not everything I think I ought to be: God didn’t settle, when he sent me. He didn’t say, Well, I guess I’ll have to send Aimee, because she’s the only one left that I can send. Fortunately for me, God doesn’t look upon our faults and shortcomings the way we ourselves look at them. When I look at myself I see all the things I need to work on – when God looks at me, he sees perfection because of Jesus. That’s so awesome, huh? Anyway, yeah, its funny how God took us on a 2 year detour, maybe just to get me to realize that its not about what I think, its about what He thinks. And the cool thing about God, is that while he is teaching me one thing through this set of circumstances, he is teaching Yatron something totally different, and Pastor something totally different too. I guess he is able to do that, being God…

Anxiety

Do you ever find that people don't really talk about the things that they struggle with? I have struggled with a variety of different things through my life, and for some reason, there are times when I am too embarassed or proud or whatever, to talk about it. It stinks, we need to be transparent with each other because maybe the things that I'm going through will help someone else. Or maybe the things you've struggled with will help me. I know that's true when I read emails or blogs from people that I respect, and they're talking about their struggles, it strengthens me to know that we all go through things, and that in the end God really is faithful to deliver. Well, I have dealt with anxiety for a long time - and truthfully thought I had been delivered from it. For the past week or so, though, I have lived with an overwhelming sense of fear and dread. In the past its been about death, or finances, and this time its no different. I know being in God's word more will help, and actually ASKING Him for help will help. I have another close friend who struggles with anxiety and we have both talked about how its not something that is really discussed among Christians. At least not in our circles... I wonder why that is. I've talked about it a little when I've been out at other churches singing, and the response is always the same: Wow, I didn't think other people struggled with that. As I lay in bed last night, my mind racing and not being able to sleep I had to confess to God that I didn't want to give this to him. I didn't think he'd be able to help. Here is the cycle that I seem to go through all the time: It usually starts where I'm down in the dumps for some reason, but then I'll have some sort of mountain top experience with the Lord, and I'll be flying high for usually a few weeks. Then that wears off and I'm still following God and stuff, but not in his word as much as I should be. Then something happens, anxiety or depression will rear its ugly head and I'll take a few steps backward spiritually. I'll stop reading my bible all together. I'll stop praying. I'll start doing things that I know are wrong, that I know I'm just doing to be flat out rebellious, and then I wonder why God doesn't seem real, doesn't seem close. I don't want to go through that anymore. I'm tired of the weeks of mountain top experience followed by months of rebellion and depression. So, as I forced myself to read my bible last night, I read this scripture on spiritual maturity:
Hebrews 5:11-14 "We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil."
God really impressed this on my heart last night, and even now as I read it again. I've been a Christian for many years, over half my life now; I ought to be much further along than I am. I ought to be off the spiritual bottle and on to spiritual steak. I ought to be a leader and not a follower. I ought to be one who encourages and ministers to others, rather than the one always in need of encouragement. I ought to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my strength, rather than love and serve him only when it suits me.
Okay, so I know this started out about anxiety...and I digressed a bit - forgive me. :) I believe that even when I'm faithless God remains faithful. I know this anxiety and depression will pass, and I'll probably have other mountian top experiences and other deep valley lows....I'm praying for the ability to deal with situations in a mature way, rather than the current way I deal with them. So, if you think about me, lift up a prayer for maturity, because if I can be spiritaully mature, than the other things will fall into place.

New Song...

I work with a lady, same age as me, and for the longest time I felt the Lord leading me to invite her to church. Well, I know she's been going through a rough time with a divorce and three kids, so I didn't really want to bother her. In January this year one of the other girls we know came to me and said, Did you hear about our friend? I said, No, what? She had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer that spread to her pancreas. She won't be back to work. I had missed my chance. I thought I had all the time in the world to tell her about God, or at the very least to invite her to church. I mean, she's only 29 years old for goodness sake! So, I began to think about the other people in my life that I had an opportunity to share God with but I didn't. This is a song I wrote about these people...

Somewhere Tonight

Becky’s out there somewhere tonight and I hope and pray she’s doing alright
Thirteen years have come and gone since I’ve seen Becky’s face
Every day in our art class, making jokes and praying time would pass
Life went on and now I wonder what Becky’s doing tonight
What Becky’s doing tonight

I kept it secret, why did I never tell
The message of hope that could save her soul from hell
I never told her, she never knew
The light I had inside of me, that she could have it too

Becky’s out there somewhere tonight and I hope and pray she’s doing alright
And somehow by the grace of God I hope that Becky finds the light
That Becky finds the light


Brandi’s out there somewhere tonight and I hope and pray she’s doing alright
Every day we’d go to work and make each other laugh
A couple of times she came to church desperate to find the thing that could end her search
But I moved away and now I wonder what Brandi’s doing tonight
What Brandi’s doing tonight

I kept it secret, why did I never tell
The message of hope that could save her soul from hell
I never told her, she never knew
The light I had inside of me, that she could have it too

Brandi’s out there somewhere tonight and I hope and pray she’s doing alright
And somehow by the grace of God I hope that Brandi finds the light
That Brandi finds the light


Nikki’s out there somewhere tonight and I hope and pray she’s doing alright
I always thought I’d have more time to share the love of Christ
But someone called me late one night and I could tell by their voice something wasn’t right
Sickness had come into Nikki’s body, she was fighting for her life.
She was fighting for her life

I kept it secret, why did I never tell
The message of hope that could save her soul from hell
I never told her, she never knew
The light I had inside of me, that she could have it too

Father forgive me, for what I haven’t done
And give me the boldness to lead others to your Son


Nikki’s out there somewhere tonight and I hope and pray she’s doing alright
And somehow before she runs out of time I hope that Nikki finds the light
That Nikki finds the light
That Brandi finds the light
That Becky finds the light
I pray they all will find your light

Memorial Day

I hope you had a wonderful Memorial Day. Mine was nice! I tried some new recipies out on Yatron and Pastor.
Sweet potato casserole - Good
Peach Cheesecake thingy - weird texture
Kung Pao Chicken - Yum!
Champagne Salad - well, it wasn't new to me, but first time I made it and it was good

Other than that, I had about 6 weeks of laundry to do this weekend, which sucked. I did get to talk to Dara, who is currently serving Ghana Africa with the Peace Corps. She is doing well. I'm sure she says hi to everyone! Her page can be found on my links on the side of my page. Check it out! Hope you had a great weekend....now back to the grind. UGH!